It's funny how the direction of our lives can be dictated by such small decisions we make in those inconsequential moments isn't it? What could have been or almost was hinging on that little decision you made sometime in your past that you look back on now. Perhaps, in some cases, comprehending the gravity of that decision presently more than you did at the time.
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I was an usher at a wedding this weekend. The groom is a great bloke from Australia. The bride was my girlfriend four years back. It was a beautiful wedding. Good to see old faces and good to make new friends. People ask me if it was strange being there for obvious reasons. I answer no, explaining that it was a long time ago and we ended it on good terms. I still consider her a good friend and a beautiful person. I like to think we're both better people for being in the relationship.
On top of that she's the one who asked me to be an usher at her wedding...it's not like I just showed up.
But in all of this I couldn't help but reflect on how at one point in time we were considering marriage, which would have effectively altered both of our lives to an uncertain degree, forever.
It's a weighty thought to be sure.
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I'm thinking about my life and the decisions I'm making now. Wondering if they're the right ones...the wrong ones.
Have I fallen into complacency and comfort? Trading the unknown for the routine.
Do I need a calling in order to move in a direction or will it follow? Catching up to me.
Is what I dream at night what I’m supposed to be doing or are they simply dreams? How valid are our dreams? Our passions? Do we really believe that God is the fulfiller of hopes and dreams or do we believe he just gave them to us to provide a way through the drudgery?
Is God practical? Do we really believe in a pragmatic deity? The Bible doesn’t seem to think so. Blowing trumpets to crumble walls is not practical. Sorry. When did the practical thing to do become the right thing to do? Why is my life so practical? Were is faith required? I haven’t gone out on a limb for a while.
Am I supposed to draw pictures for the rest of my life. At a desk. Behind a computer. Wearing business casual. I find a certain amount of fulfillment in my work. Satisfaction. But it’s not complete.
I'm not sure I'm fully satisfied with my life as a Christian. Or my idea of God. Oh I love him. As much I can I suppose. I mean I throw mud in his face all the time. But he keeps on loving me. Causing me to stop hurling mud and love him back for a while. Until I forget about the smile on his face and start slinging mud again.
I’m not satisfied with God because I don’t know him. It's like for a long time we've been passing each other in the hall and he's been saying "How are you?" in the real, genuine sense and I've been saying "Fine, how are you?" in the half-hearted socially polite kind of way.
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Huh. And all this from an usher. Aren’t usher’s the dumb ones? Escorting any and all warm blooded, feminine creatures that happen to get in arms length down a predetermined, white ribboned course. "Just follow the white carpet dude," is what they tell me. And forget about the footstep thing. It doesn't work.
It’s not like I was a Best Man or anything. Now those guys are deep.
Maybe I’m over thinking things. Wouldn't be the first time I suppose.
10 comments:
Bomber, something I have been learning lately is that I can never be outside of God's will for me. Though I feel like i am, and at times I feel like He is nowhere to be found..He always has me right where He wants me. It's in those far away times where He teaches and grows me the most.
I often feel unsatisfied with my relationship and my walk, like there is more I sould be doing, I don't love Him the way I should etc. But this walk is a journey of valleys and mountians, times when He is walking with His arm around us, and others when it seems He is miles away.
What is it that would make you satisfied Nathan? Jobwise, relationship with Him wise?? Continue to seek Him. I don't think we will ever be fully satisfied until we are standing next to Him.
And come on..converse aren't business casual are they??? :)
i think that i used to take pride in knowing 'what i was doing' when asked..such as attending college, nursing school, getting a job as a nurse..etc. it sounded nice. but the past few months, knowing seems a little less attractive to me, safe but not quite attractive. but when am i ever free to cut loose the ball and chain of reason and rationality and truly sprint freely into the unknown or the impractical. when do i leave the safety net? and as you said, does God use our reason and rationality to lead us, or does he take the fire burning in our hearts (usually quickly extinguished by practicality) the dreams stirred in us as we lay in bed on seemingly empty nights (usually quickly expelled by reality)? or does it even matter to Him, can we just go along loving Him, loving humanity, and living a life reflecting the life of Jesus'? is this not the best and most effective way of honoring this mysterious God and influencing positively this world that is in need?
it leads me to thoughts on regret. do i truly regret decisions made? even those absolutely ridiculously bad decisions, which there have been a few (maybe more and they typically involve 'mud slinging'). the scars they have left, the lessons learned, are surely reason enough to not take those choices back. so why is it that i fear regretting decisions to be made? would i really regret not using my degree immediately following graduation (even though yes, it has been 4 long years, and yes it has been a financial investment, and yes it is a secure job and yes it will pay the bills)(uh, i think you've stirred me up) i wish i could sum this all up with a nicely packaged statement such as, "don't worry nathan...you'll know what to do and when to do it" but honestly...you may not. it might not ever look like a good time to just be impractical and abandon yourself to a life of adventure and then walk a journey of discovering God, people, earth, cultures, yourself, in a way never previously thought or dreamed of. but circumstances, adventurous or not, can not take away the unsatisfied part of your heart…for without that where is hope?
and, think more highly of yourself in the position of usher. in my latest wedding marathon, i've seen some awful ushers and they basically ruined the entire wedding. this is not just another dumb job nathan...it's quite essential to the wedding ceremony really :)
JJ I decided to rephrase my question: do you feel like you’re fully alive. Do you feel like you’ve got it? Grasped it. Are you deep in it? Engrossed, submerged, dripping with life. With the glory, the radiance, the truth the beauty and the breadth of God? However you put it. It’s a question that I want to ask more often. It cuts to the heart of what I’m struggling with. The answer for me is, no. I’m not.
But JJ, do we really have to wait until life on earth is over before we can be fully satisfied with our existence? For your sake and mine I hope that isn’t true.
Kate, sometimes the answers to our questions need to be questions themselves. Allowing the journey to continue. Your comments made me think: What role do circumstances play in this? Am I using the lack of new direction as an excuse not to move in a new current? Maybe that day will never come and I’ll be left to my own methodical devices. I have a feeling this will all come to a boiling point though. And then...well I guess we’ll see.
Hope. That there is something more to this life as a Christian than what has already be presented to me.
Trust. I need to trust that mistakes aren’t so bad. They will probably leave scars but I need to realize that the scars aren’t so bad either.
Faith. Faith that God will be there smiling wherever I am whether I'm throwing mud or not.
Dream. And know that it’s ok to follow it.
Ricardo, that isn’t part of life, that is the life God wants us to have. Even in the middle of the shit storms of life that are delivered to our door step – how we embrace life should never change. Passionately. Fully.
Yeah I feel stuck. In my job? Yeah I guess. That’s a manifestation of my frustration I think. The bigger issue is my dissatisfaction with life thus far. My existence as a Christian. I do serve others. I have spent time in studying the Bible and praying. There have been good times and mundane times in all of these disciplines. But they all seem to fall short. Or maybe leave me wanting something more. Not self contained disciplines that encompass life but things that point to something else that I’ve seemed to miss along the way.
I don’t know if questioning can really slow down or discourage our walk with God Ricardo. But if that’s what it takes to really care about my relationship with God then I’ll slow it down to a crawl.
I have some more questions:
What does a slowed down relationship with God look like?
and...
Can questions ever really discourage a relationship with God? If so how?
ps – Nice move on the Indiana Jones thing.
Don't take "business casual" too literally. Besides they're cracking down on the dress code.
i'm screwed if asking questions discourages my relationship with God....
and ricardo...i'm going to have to disagree with you on this one (or maybe not 'disagree' persay, but suggest another line of thinking). "Am I doing all that i can to be obedient to God?" this, to me, screams formula, if i can check off ABC then I should be getting XYZ..but i don't think this is necissarily true or promised, it's too sterile to be real life. it doesn't seem this cut and dry to me.
Well said Kate. Very well said.
No Bomber, my answer is also NO. I haven't felt that way in quite some time. I think most of it is that I don't feel I have a purpose most days. Why you ask, well I spent a significant amount of money obtaining a masters degree and moved 3 states away from my entire family expecting that when I graduated I would be doing the very thing I am passionate about.
And here I sit, still jobless after 6 months with no hope of something to come. No hope of what I want anyway. and I think that is my point here...my life is still mostly about ME and not enough about Him. And boy do I wish there was some formula or 12 step program to get there, but there isn't. So how do I get there?
Keep living life, being as faithful as I know how, praying, and understanding that He is here, and He does promise to never leave or forsake us. The crappy part is that though I know that in my head, my heart is screaming something else...
You know I got to thinking, why do we put so much pressure on ourselves in making decisions, and so much weight into them? I am doing this right now, should I take this job or that one, when really I want none of them. RIcardo is right, God has given us freedom. Im sure you have heard AMie say this but Im gonna recap... he sheep don't have to ask their shepard if they want to eat this patch of grass or that one, they can choose. But if a sheep is about to fall off the edge of a cliff, the shepard runs to save him... not sure I did that justice, but you get the point. If we are making a terrible mistake, God will make that known to us.
Like Ricardo also said, we need to make sure we are in tune with HIm, but not in the formula since, not to get something in return or feel like we then deserve something. But shouldn't we be obedient to God as much as we can because we love HIm? and the more of Him we have within us, the more of Him that comes out. ALl that to say, the more familiar you are with someone (God) the better you can recgonize their voice.
Ohh ANd bomber, I have a question for you.. have you EVER felt like you were "do you feel like you’re fully alive. Do you feel like you’ve got it? Grasped it. Are you deep in it? Engrossed, submerged, dripping with life. With the glory, the radiance, the truth the beauty and the breadth of God?" A moment, a day, a week, month, etc? I know there have been times where I have. But I guess I don't know for sure that I will ever Always feel like that, I know I don't now.
The journey goes on...
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