I wrote this as a response to the discussion in the comment column of the previous post.
By way of clarification Ricardo: I’m not satisfied with the way I’ve painted my Christian faith. I want better. Real. True. Something more.
How’s that for ambiguous? I appreciate our conversation last night bro.
I appreciate what you guys have been commenting here as well. It’s true and good and right. Many things I’ve done before but have done poorly or incorrectly. Things I’ve done but in the wrong context or assumption. In the midst of a poor education of what I should expect this thing too look like. What God looks like.
What I was trying to paint in the previous post was the process of stepping back and reevaluating it all. Going back to square one. Sometimes people get confused by what I'm attempting to convey here. But if we tried to articulate a lot of our spiritual journey to others we would be left with blank stares. It’s our journey and no one else’s. Right? It’s unique and it’s beautiful. And it might be strange.
Kate, I appreciate what you said. In essence, there is no road map. That’s answer enough. That’s what I need to hear.
JJ & Ricardo, you’ve said something good. There are certain things that can be done to make ourselves oriented correctly. To manifest the right person in this world and to express the right characteristics to those we come in contact with. To point ourselves in the right, general direction. Maybe the rest is up to our imaginations.
Left up to our dreams.
Perhaps what lies beyond is the wilderness of our spirituality. Untamed. Scary. Certainly difficult at times. But always lively. Always rich with meaning. Always characterized by growth. Marked by the fingerprint of a God that wants us to live freely and expressively.
Its into this wilderness I want to go. Maybe I haven’t spent enough time in it. Maybe I didn’t even know it was there. No one can tell you what it looks like or even how it’ll feel. They can remind you of the compasses & tools of navigation that we’ve been given but that’s all. We have to walk it ourselves.
There is an excitement in me at the idea of potential discovery out there. In that wilderness. The potential to discover something new. Something true to me. Something that hasn’t been seen before. Maybe it’s the love God has for this creature, or he wants me to know that he laughs a lot, or that his heart burns with passion for the things I love. Perhaps he wants to introduce me to the Son I’ve heard about for so long but never really met.
So I guess I am Indiana Jones. I’m leaving for the jungle. In search of some ancient relic that was meant to be found by someone less than worthy. Someone weak and little but somehow managed to make God’s list of “The Years Smallest People Worth Dieing For.” I hope I never come back to the same place I was before. I hope I get lost out there....
...and I hope others will follow. Not in my footsteps but out their front door into the unknown & unbridled. With doubt? Yes. With faith? Absolutely.
And God keeps on smiling.
3 comments:
good summary nathan.
everyone abandon themselves to their personal 'un-map' through the wilderness passionately, not precisely because it's not science, as much as it is an art, each masterpiece full of blemishes and thrown out attempts.
i love (and needed to hear) the last part..."Not in my footsteps but out their front door into the unknown & unbridled. With doubt? Yes. With faith? Absolutely."
it's so comforting that faith is not an absence of doubt
Wow, the last two posts slipped by me. I loved reading your last post, the one that this one was a response to. I love hearing you express dissatisfaction at normal boring life ... I love to hear your heart ache for the person of God, for the creator and sustainer to turn his gaze on you causing you to burst into unbearable bliss ... your heart beats to the same yearning rhythm as mine bro and it's wonderful to find a kindred heart, especially one that shares so many years with mine in friendship. You're a passionate man and sometimes passion can be scary for people designed a bit differently. Your questions and thoughts never scare me or cause me to want to 'redirect' you ... I want to fuel your fire! Throw dried wood into your blaze! Your critisism of yourself is healthy. You'll know when you've crossed the line. It's not like you want pity and comments like, "no way dude, you're so on track with God!" That would just frusterate you. You honestly want more! That drive is priceless and while it might drive you mad at times in life God will reward you. He waits for unquenchable passion to reach out to Him and then He quenches it ... not all at once though. Like Ricardo said, that ultimate quench comes in the next life but you're right in that this life has to hold more. Otherwise let's all die. Seriously. God is slow when we want fast though, and often fast when we think we can't possibly keep up. That unbalance keeps us focussed on him in concentration. Sounds like you're in something of a Christmas Eve sort of stage in life ... the longest day in the world when you're 8 ... will bed time, that usually dreaded time ever come?! Man, your thoughts and yearnings remind me of some of king david's psalms. I've been reading that book the last couple of months. I strongly feel that the closest and most wonderfully fulfilling times in life are usually in times of horrible anguish because in those times, when you look for God and when He finally shows Himself, you feel life like you never thought was possible. I've felt some horrible pain in my life (although not nearly as much as many others), some stuff that still makes me whince but I wouldn't trade it for anything. It was those painful times of chaos that I've stood face to face with God and burned with life, and his spirit comforted me and empowered me to overcome. My wonderful mom and I were talking once ... she said something like, "I'm sorry we didn't have a normal life, that we weren't a stable christian home like so and so," and I remember telling her that I didn't feel the same. I didn't wish for what so and so had because they seemed a bit lifeless. Happy but not passionately so. I had experienced saving life amidst agony and nothing has ever tasted so sweet. All this to say that the life we yearn for will come at a price ... but it will be worth it. Isn't that what Jesus told us? That following him with all our hearts will cost us everything, but that in following Him we would gain everything? I absolutely love you bro and I love your heart. It's beat gets faster and faster as God prepares and shapes you for your adventures, like tribal drums before a sacrifice. Smile, because it's coming ... "I came that they might have life, and have it to the full!!" - Jesus
Kate - It's incredibly freeing.
Hethe - Planning on calling you but haven't gotten there yet. Hold on dude....and thank you for your words. They mean alot to me.
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