I Think I Saw Jesus Last Night

I wonder if he saw me?

I was standing in line at St. Marks' last night with a friend when a man walked in. He had long brown hair, probably mid back length with a beard and slight wrinkles on his face. Not old man wrinkles but wrinkles that serve as a sign of the weathered life he had thus far lived. He wasn't old, just weathered. I didn't take much note of him until he came up to the line and asked if "any one owned the sweet VW bus parked outside...their lights are on". He said it with a smile. Not the, I-am-looking-polite-but-I-really-don't-want-to-be-right-now smile we all have. Or the I'm-smiling-on-the-outside-but-I'm-not-on-the-inside-type smile we know we use sometime. It wasn't even a I'm-a-friendly-guy-and-so-I'll-smile-for-you-all type of smile. It had some other quality to it. Something different. It was a smile that was driven by an inner peace that has been found somewhere within the depths of his soul. A smile that's driven by a peace about one's self and one's place in this world. A peace-about-the-way-things-are-in-general type of smile. A smile that seemed to say that he was happy to be where he was at that very moment and to be with all of us strangers in this very place at this very time in history. I don't know...maybe I'm reading into things but those were my thoughts.

He was wearing one of those oversized llama wool South American type of shirts, sweat shop free I'm sure, some weird patterned pants that didn't match and what looked like tall rubber boots, the type you would see a fisherman wearing, as if to say that that whole promise not to flood the world thing was just a joke and that he was ready for hell and high water with his huge rubber boots. I don't know...maybe I'm reading into things but those were my thoughts.

I didn't have time to deconstruct all of this at the moment of course. After realizing I had no cash at a cash only type establishment I had to turn to my friend and engage in a "hey could you spot me until I can get some money" type of thing. I looked back and the fashionably challenged, coffee shop Jesus was sitting at a table in the middle of the room reading a book. I didn't read the title but I'm sure it was something along the lines of a “Loving People and Saving the World All While Promoting Small Businesses, Shunning Sweat Shops and Promoting Fair Trade" type of book. Or a "How to Hang With Movie Stars and Other Rich and Famous People While Maintaining a Fashionably Poor, Minimalist and Free-Spirited Lifestyle....For Dummies" book. I could even see him reading a slightly militant, "How to Break Up Parties With Home Made Weapons Such as Wips & The Like" type book. I don't know...maybe I'm reading into things but those were my thoughts.

Later on that night as I was laying in bed unable to sleep, thinking about my unexpected exposure to Jesus. I wondered what it would look like to come into a coffee shop and sit down face to face with Him. What would He say to me? If I walked in and the 2,000 year old carpenter was sitting there I don't think I would sit. I would be overwhelmed with everything in my life that made me unworthy to sit at his table. To sip lattes with the barrista of the universe. My only choice would be to walk up to His table fall to my knees grab onto his rubber clad calf and cry into His impenetrable knee high boots.

This would be kind of embarrassing to me if it wasn’t Jesus I was holding onto. He obviously wouldn’t be embarrassed. He would sit their with a small smile on His face. Not a, I-pity-you-and-your-embarrassing-emotional-outburst type of smile but a I-love-you-more-than-you-will-ever-know-even-though-you-do-wrong-more-often-than-you-do-right type of smile.

He would place a rough hand on my shoulder and hold on firmly, as if to keep me from spiraling into a black emotional abyss. As if to remind me that it was Him who created the world around me but He’s also the one who sought me out when I was lost.

And my mouth would open and words would come out. Whether I wanted them to or not they would come. I would apologize for being a sinner. I would say I was sorry for being such an asshole and then I would apologize for swearing but tell Him that’s what I am. And He would say that’s ok. Not so much a it’s-ok-if-you-swear type of ok but a I-understand-your-need-to-use-strong-terms type of ok. And a I-can-and-have-forgiven-you-for-all-of-this type of ok.

I would tell Him that I was sorry for not caring about others and not caring about whether they would die and go to hell if they didn’t know about Him. He would involuntarily squeeze my shoulder at this point, not because He’s angry but because what I’ve just told Him hurts Him more than words could say. But He would quickly recover because He knows there’s hope. He would see it in my heart and He would see it in my soul. He would see what I cannot. At least that's what I'm hoping. He would whisper something in my ear. I’m not sure what He would say but I’m sure it would be meaningful. Powerful. Heartfelt.

And as I cry into his knee I would tell Him how much it hurts to not have mom here. How much I missed her. I would tell Him that I didn’t understand why things had to happen the way they did. Why things have to be the way they are. I don’t think He would really say anything to me. I think He would just sit there with His God hand on my shoulder and cry with me. Because Jesus doesn’t have to have all the answers. I mean He does have all of them but that’s not what makes Him who He is. That’s not what makes Him God. All He has to do is be there. And everything is ok. That’s the power He has I guess. That’s the intangible Jesus factor I suppose.

I would like to think that we would talk long into the night...at least until closing time. It wouldn’t all be about spiritual stuff either. We would talk about everything. Both heavy and important and light and inconsequential. Cause that’s just how Jesus rolls. When God walked with Adam I don’t think they were talking about anything super important. At least not all the time. They were probably talking about what Adam was planning on calling those things that fly through the air as if they didn’t weight anything. Or those things that slip through the water like torpedoes. What about those things that have really long necks and spots? Those guys need names too. He would probably ask if Adam caught that awesome sunset the evening prior. “Hey Adam did you see that man? That was a ridiculous sunset!” He would then say in kind of a proud, slightly boasting way, “Yeah....I made that”.

I wonder if everything would be better after my talk with God? I wonder if everything would be set right? I don’t know what would change but I know it would feel good to just sit and talk.

I saw Jesus last night. I wonder if He saw me?

I don't know...maybe I'm reading into things but those were my thoughts.