I don't know who I am, I don't know who you are and I don't know what this spirit is that binds us together. What does it mean to have a heart that beats with yours? What does it mean to have a fiery, unquenchable, unwavering passion for a God I can't see, taste, hear, smell or touch? You have a thousand names yet I can't see your face. You hold the world in your grasp yet I can't seem to hold your hand. You have laid your will out before me but I can't seem to find my next step. You have a voice to silence storms yet I can't hear your whispers.
You are a mystery and you are the answer. Both the climax and the resolution. You are a paradox and a monument of reason, the beginning and the end, my hope and my uncertainty. I place my faith in you and I doubt you. I want to see you and I run from you.
Who are you - who am I?
What are you - what am I?
Why are you - why am I?
How can you be - how can I be?
These equations have more to do with poetry than they do with math. A relationship more than answers. Byproducts of one's own perception. Degrees of emotion, whispers of thought. Your truth is a rock but our relationship is as dynamic as the waves of an ocean. Gyrating to an unknown rhythm, dancing to an unknown rhyme. What is this song we dance to? Who's guiding our steps? What floor do we move upon and what dance are we dancing?
The questions I have asked all my life, but never knew it, are now coming to the surface of my mind. The horizon is small and my reality is smaller still. Today is my world and the spanse of life is all but forgotten. The temporal is what I call significant and all significance has lost true meaning.
You created me from dust but your creation is not complete. Birth cannot begin and end at the point of your masterful conception. Continue what was begun, master what you have started. The glue by which you fasten yourself to your creation must be completed in me. I don't know what that looks like, and I don't know what that means...
all I know is that I need you to dance this dance within me.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Thursday, May 19, 2005
The Wind and A Rock
I have a friend who's mom is expected to die any day. She has cancer in her sinuses.
I told her I would pray for her.
One of the biggest things that I struggled with when mom passed away was understanding what prayer really does. I still don't know. I don't struggle with whether God can heal or perform miracles. I know He can and does. My biggest struggle is knowing whether He will. Basically this, I felt, undermined my faith. It became really hard for me to pray about anything. I felt like God would do whatever He was already planning on doing. I've never really understood prayer and it's effects on a omniscient, omnipotent God.
I questioned whether, if I had prayed harder or longer or more passionately, maybe mom would still be here today. Just maybe that whisper of a wind would move something big and powerful and the future would be altered forever.
Today I struggle with praying for my friend...I don't know if it will help.
A life is held in a teetering and precious balance and my ability to effectively pray for her has been shot to hell.
I told her I would pray for her.
One of the biggest things that I struggled with when mom passed away was understanding what prayer really does. I still don't know. I don't struggle with whether God can heal or perform miracles. I know He can and does. My biggest struggle is knowing whether He will. Basically this, I felt, undermined my faith. It became really hard for me to pray about anything. I felt like God would do whatever He was already planning on doing. I've never really understood prayer and it's effects on a omniscient, omnipotent God.
I questioned whether, if I had prayed harder or longer or more passionately, maybe mom would still be here today. Just maybe that whisper of a wind would move something big and powerful and the future would be altered forever.
Today I struggle with praying for my friend...I don't know if it will help.
A life is held in a teetering and precious balance and my ability to effectively pray for her has been shot to hell.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
The debate on whether the band U2 consists of Christians has been a long one.
When U2 came out with the song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" they experienced tremendous scrutiny and criticism from the church. After all, how could someone say, after finding Jesus, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for"?
I was saved at the age of 5 in Rauschenberg, Germany. I have grown up in the church and I have been raised on the truth of God's Word in a family that would be described as a "Christian home".
But I can honestly say that after 25 years on this planet I still have not found what I'm looking for.
When U2 came out with the song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" they experienced tremendous scrutiny and criticism from the church. After all, how could someone say, after finding Jesus, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for"?
I was saved at the age of 5 in Rauschenberg, Germany. I have grown up in the church and I have been raised on the truth of God's Word in a family that would be described as a "Christian home".
But I can honestly say that after 25 years on this planet I still have not found what I'm looking for.
Forgiveness, Guilt & Love
Guilt is the state in which, after having arrived at the understanding that we are not good enough, we continue to strive for the elusive state-of-being called perfection in our own strength and power.
I think conviction differs in that when confronted by our own depravity we move past our inadequacies to embrace the grace and thus forgiveness that is offered to us.
Forgiveness is another word for love (People are always saying that in the original languages the Bible was written in there were many different words for love. I think we have a few...they’re just disguised).
Living in the state of guilt is the recipe for our own destruction. It is for this reason that I hate the word and the idea of religion. THE DEMAND FOR PERFECTION + GUILT - GRACE = RELIGION. Religion gave us the Crusades. Religion gave us the idea of “purifying” the un-saved through torture and murder.
Life is found in the acceptance of grace. Closely tied to grace is the idea of love and the acceptance of that love.
I don’t except love. I don’t believe people love me even when they show me and tell me. I don’t believe God loves me. I know that people and God love me in my head but I can’t except it in my heart.
This creates a tremendous (understated) void in my life that I haven’t fully grasped with far reaching ramifications that I haven’t even begun to discover.
The world calls these things “issues”.
I call them my life.
I think conviction differs in that when confronted by our own depravity we move past our inadequacies to embrace the grace and thus forgiveness that is offered to us.
Forgiveness is another word for love (People are always saying that in the original languages the Bible was written in there were many different words for love. I think we have a few...they’re just disguised).
Living in the state of guilt is the recipe for our own destruction. It is for this reason that I hate the word and the idea of religion. THE DEMAND FOR PERFECTION + GUILT - GRACE = RELIGION. Religion gave us the Crusades. Religion gave us the idea of “purifying” the un-saved through torture and murder.
Life is found in the acceptance of grace. Closely tied to grace is the idea of love and the acceptance of that love.
I don’t except love. I don’t believe people love me even when they show me and tell me. I don’t believe God loves me. I know that people and God love me in my head but I can’t except it in my heart.
This creates a tremendous (understated) void in my life that I haven’t fully grasped with far reaching ramifications that I haven’t even begun to discover.
The world calls these things “issues”.
I call them my life.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
DIESTRONG
Ummmm yeah. You know how Christians tend to create little bubbles around themselves to protect us from the evil, filthy, hell-bound world that surrounds us? This, for some reason, causes us to take this stuff we see "in the world" and modify it so that it falls in the category of "Christian". Well the latest and greatest from the Christian bubble machine just crossed my desk: DIESTRONG bracelets...
we have GOT to get out more.
we have GOT to get out more.
Nothing At All
I keep on thinking of things to blog about but I soon forget what I was going to post. Basically this has happened a few times these past couple of weeks.
I think I need a blog to keep track of what I want to blog about.
I've started messing around with photography. It's something that I've wanted to do for a while off and on but recently decided that it would really be a good thing to know - being a designer and all. It's amazing what you can learn on the internet. Anyway I'm thinking of posting photos that I take throughout the week here. It'll probably be random but I guess that's the mantra of this blog.
The fact that I'm an artist means that I'm a veracious monster that needs to be fed inspiration 24/7. But I have pretty much been starving myself over the past months. I think this came to a head a few weeks ago. Anyway I'm planning on trying to surround myself with inspiration. So if anyone wants to hit up a museum let me know. I'm sure I'll increase my coffee shop visits since, for some reason, they seem to be endless sources of inspiration for me.
In case you were wondering.
I think I need a blog to keep track of what I want to blog about.
I've started messing around with photography. It's something that I've wanted to do for a while off and on but recently decided that it would really be a good thing to know - being a designer and all. It's amazing what you can learn on the internet. Anyway I'm thinking of posting photos that I take throughout the week here. It'll probably be random but I guess that's the mantra of this blog.
The fact that I'm an artist means that I'm a veracious monster that needs to be fed inspiration 24/7. But I have pretty much been starving myself over the past months. I think this came to a head a few weeks ago. Anyway I'm planning on trying to surround myself with inspiration. So if anyone wants to hit up a museum let me know. I'm sure I'll increase my coffee shop visits since, for some reason, they seem to be endless sources of inspiration for me.
In case you were wondering.
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