When one has traversed the highest mountain peaks, has swam the depths of the ocean, has experienced the blistering of the desert heat and the chill of a storm's rain and has traveled to a place that he has never been to before....how can one recount it all and do any of it justice? How can he give an accurate account of all he has seen and done and been through? This is the question that starts the avalanche of a million other questions. My life is a question mark and most of the time I don't even now what the sentence is that it follows.
When I got a message from Dad on Saturday July 31st saying that mom had massive organ failure and was in ICU at a hospital down in the springs I had no idea what was in store for me or my family.
The drive down left me in a state of numbness. In retrospect I think everything really did move in slow motion. Thus I had plenty of time to agonize over the many questions and fears that plagued my thoughts. When I got down to the hospital I held mom's hand and cried. My Aunt was there and so was my Dad. Nothing really seemed real at that point and wouldn't until weeks later. Even as I say that I don't think it all seems real to me now.
My mom was ushered into the gates of heaven on Tuesday August 10th at 9:54 in the morning. I asked myself if I was watching a movie. "Who's life is this that I'm peeking into? Who's ever it is it's pretty lame." But this was a movie that would not end. I couldn't walk out of that movie theater and I never will be able to. All the exit signs have been turned off and it's pitch black. There are no ushers and I have no point of reference other than that movie screen and so I am forced to watch it until the movie's end. Funny. I don't remember ever purchasing a ticket. I'm sure I paid too much. The price seems very high to me right now.
So where am I. Spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. Like I tell everyone, I'm on this journey and I have no compass. I have no sense of direction. I don't know how long the trip is and I don't know how far I've gone. But perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps I do have a instrument of direction. Perhaps I do have a guide. A Cosmic Usher in this movie called life. For a while there I forgot he existed. But he's there. Sitting right behind me. Making sure I'm doing ok. He's got a tissue for those sad parts and a laugh for those happy parts. Sometimes he makes comments about the movie. In fact He's always saying something. "Get ready for this part.", "Look out for that!", "This is my favorite part of the movie". These are some of things He might say. I just choose to ignore him so much of the time. Of course He knows what’s coming up in the next scene. He also happens to be the Director. But I think He really enjoys watching with me. He also knows that I wouldn't be able to make it through the entire thing without Him.
And so I continue to watch the movie. Praying that I listen to the Usher as He gives His instruction and insight.
He's the only good pair of eyes I've got.
